remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
