John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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