no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
