Banned from zoo.
Again?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
