Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How does one acquire holy water?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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