i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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