people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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