Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
