3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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