I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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