Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
