i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
