I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
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He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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