My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
