how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
