dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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