nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
