Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
