So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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