so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
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Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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