you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
