why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize