you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
