I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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