Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
