I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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