I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
