i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i've created a new STD.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
