Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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