You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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