Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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