just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
