does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
