I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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