i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
