im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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