Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
