I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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