Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
