she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
