ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Be still, my beating vagina.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Randomize
