There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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