His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
