ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
