So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
