Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
