Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
