i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
