I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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