I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
