You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
