i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
