you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
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