hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
