I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
