Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize