took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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