Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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