pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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