After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
