The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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