What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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